Things Australians Love

There are countless numbers of Aussies out there who love talking about surfing, but who have absolutely no idea what skill is involved in standing up on a board, let alone standing up on one whilst being thrust forwards by the force of mother-nature. These people love the idea of surfing, and the trend is growing. People are now taking up the hobby of discussing what that guy is doing out there and how he should’ve caught that one, rather than getting out there and doing it themselves. This is being done to such a degree that surf shops now seem to be drowning (sorry) under the weight of boards they cannot sell. There is always an amazing array of boards piled up in surf shops around this sun drenched land. Go into any Aussie household and you can also be sure to find a selection of boards that have either never been used or seen the light of day or the touch of salt since Paul Hogan chucked another shrimp on the Barbie. Just have a nose around someone’s house and you will definitely find a few boards stacked up in the corner of the ‘It seemed like a good idea at the time’ room. Look behind the door because it is probably there skillfully hiding the Ab King Pro, the acoustic guitar with strings so old they’d slice you up if you attempted to play the ‘G’ chord you learnt last year in the first day of having it and the mountain bike you picked up from council cleanup after promising your other half you’d fix the tyres and get a seat for, but of course never did, destined for a life of languishing in the spare room comparing stories about how they were almost used.

There are always much more onlookers perched on Ute bonnets pretending to watch the devoted few out there waiting patiently for their wave to come. These audience members are almost always Gen Y (Gen X watch for a while then go home to finish painting the baby room) and always have KFC boxes next to them, but no surfboard can be seen within walking distance. It’s far cooler to be seen with no top on languishing in the car park with the stereo blasting out The Bloody Beetroots (Gen X listen because it reminds them of early Prodigy, Gen Y just like it because it makes them look hard) than actually getting wet and exercising, such are the times we live! Then of course there are the forward thinking  ’idea’ surfers, who buy a board with one thing in mind – parading it from the ute to the edge of the beach and sitting down to observe the surf from a distance, making sure their board is in full view of everyone. This cunning specimin can also be found increasing the weight of the machines in the gym after he’s finished lifting much lighter weights.

The idea for many is much more alluring than the reality of sitting on the board for God-knows-how-long waiting, hoping you don’t get your leg chomped off by a shark ‘Oh thank Christ, it’s a dolphin’. The pressure to take up surfing is something Aussies are born with, the guilt seeping into every pore of their bodies as they reach puberty, knowing that one day they will undoubtedly go travelling around Europe and either settle in London or Canada and be asked ’So, you’re Australian, do you surf? Everyone surfs over there right?’ and of course they will say ‘yes’, because they can’t stand the embarrassment of being an Aussie who can’t surf or has never tried it. They will enthrall them for hours over a few bongs of how they caught that perfect tube and just missed the jaws of the biggest great white ever seen off the coast of Bondi (to which they’ve also never been). They will even show the transfixed crowd of listeners a photo of themselves with their surfboard, proud as punch, taken the first day they bought it just before it was nestled behind the door of the special aforementioned ‘crap’ room. No one will know that they are in fact just an expert in ’the idea of surfing’. Hell, they may even make such an impression that a few ‘foreign’ girls or boys will take a fancy to them. Embellish away my friends. Embellish.